I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
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I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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