I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
We left an ass print on the piano.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
