Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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