My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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