i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
