Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
