i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
