I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
