The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
