Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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