my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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