I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
