did you get engaged???
I showed him my bush... on skype.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
