he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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