halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
