My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
