pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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