mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
