so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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