I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
