I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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