Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
