You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
