please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
