It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
