I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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