Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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