i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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