I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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