Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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