you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
