some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
