Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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