Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
