i just sent this text using only my big toe
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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