This is not my ceiling
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
