Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
