flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
