i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My balls are so social today.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
