She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
