Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
