note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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