If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
