I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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