He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
