I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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