Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
