3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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