I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
