I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
