just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
