My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
