Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
