i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
