capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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