I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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