Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
