So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
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Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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