Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
