So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
We need to get me chipped asap
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
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