I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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