I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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