from now on my penis is your penis
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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