I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
