I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
