the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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