boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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